Then I got what I wanted.
And suddenly I didn’t want it anymore.
Ellie was a hard, fussy newborn. Cried when I tried to set her down. Cried when I bathed her. Cried when I held, rock and bounced her. And especially cried when I tried to get her to sleep. Once I finally got her to sleep she would only sleep for a little while and then would wake up and start the crying all over again. Days and nights started running together. I was stressed. I was exhausted. I was lonely and depressed. This was NOT how I had envisioned my life as a stay at home mom. It became clear to me that the main thing both of us desperately needed was sleep. I was learning pretty quickly that babies don’t always know how to put themselves to sleep and then stay asleep long enough to get the rest they need. So I did the only thing I knew how to do. I started researching how to get my baby to sleep well. I bought and read books…lots of books…and I talked to other moms – friends of mine who had all been through the same thing. Everybody had different opinions and parenting styles and every book had different answers.
I’m certainly not claiming to be an expert, but I’m happy to share what I learned and what has worked for me with my three kids.
1) It’s all about teaching your baby to put himself to sleep ON HIS OWN. Without swings, without rocking, without nursing/bottle, without pacifiers. Babies who learn how to soothe themselves to sleep on their own will be good sleepers.
2) Babies who take good naps, sleep well at night. You might think “my baby didn’t nap today so she’ll sleep great tonight” and it is actually the exact opposite. The more babies sleep, the better they sleep.
3) It’s also all about sleep regularity. Babies thrive on routines and schedules (which is great for me because so do I!). Naps and bedtimes should occur at approximately the same time. I work really hard to schedule my day around naps (which was easy with the girls and will be harder to pull off with Kole).
6) Create a bedtime routine and be consistent doing the same thing each night. This signals bedtime for your baby.
Back to Ellie…
At three months I decided to let her “cry it out.” I told Kenny what I was doing and made him promise not to let me give in. When it was her bedtime I fed her and then rocked her singing a little song (starting a bedtime routine which is also key). Then I put her in the crib (awake), patted her and told her I loved her so much and it was time to go to sleep. I left the room. Ellie cried for 45 minutes that first night. I sat outside of her door and also cried for 45 minutes. Every 10-15 minutes I’d walk in and pat her tummy and tell her I loved her but she needed to go to sleep. I kept it brief. After 45 minutes of what felt like 5 hours of pure torture for me, she fell asleep. When she woke up in the night I cuddled her and fed her and loved her. Then the next night I did the same thing. When it was bedtime (which at three months isn’t set in stone – usually around two hours after their last nap) I fed her, rocked her, sang the same little song and then put her in her crib awake. I told her I loved her so much and it was time to go to sleep. I closed the door and thought I don’t know if I can do this again. Ellie cried for 5 minutes and then fell asleep. I couldn’t believe it! That was it. That was all it took with her. She had learned how to suck on her little hand and fingers to put herself to sleep and from then on she didn’t cry at bedtime. I always woke up and fed her in the night, but once she learned how to soothe herself back to sleep, she started sleeping better in the night. Before long she was going to bed and falling asleep by herself and also putting herself back to sleep in the night (all babies wake up periodically throughout the night). She was waking up happy and smiling and becoming a much happier baby and I was becoming a much happier mom.
(Ellie – 4 months old)
I did the same thing for naps. Put her in her crib (no bedtime routine) told her I loved her but she needed to go to sleep. Then we had a little bump in the road. She was falling asleep great on her own, but only sleeping 20 minutes. She’d wake up crying and I’d get her up and then she would be moody and fussy until I put her down for her next nap. She’d go right to sleep, but wake up 20 minutes later and be in a bad mood. I looked up what to do in one of my favorite books (which I’ll share with you) and realized I was going to have to let her cry it out during her nap because she wasn’t getting enough sleep. (When babies wake up rested they wake up happy and content and smiling) I put her down for a nap and then when she woke up after 20 minutes I let her cry. Not an easy thing to do, but I was more confident in what I was doing because it worked so well the first time. It took 4-5 days of letting her cry (she would cry about 15 minutes) and then that was it. From then on she would go right to sleep at nap time and after 20 minutes she would stir, suck on her fingers and then go back to sleep and sleep 2-3 hours. She’d wake up happy, cooing and smiling. Once she was sleeping well during naps she started sleeping straight through the night (no more night feedings!). And once I stop feeding my kids in the night (usually around 4-5 months for me – just whenever you can tell they don’t need it anymore) I don’t ever do it again! Sure you have night wakings once in awhile when they are sick, or you’re traveling and not on schedule, and I get up with them and rock or comfort them, but I don’t feed them anymore.
These are the three books I have learned a lot from and like the most. “Baby Wise” is all about sleep training from day one. Personally, I don’t agree with everything in this book. The philosophy is to let babies cry and learn to sleep on their own super early – during the newborn stage. It is also all about scheduling (rigid scheduling) from early on as well. I’ve always felt like during the newborn phase (birth to three months) it’s all about survival. It’s such a hard time on the mother that I think do whatever works, even if it means putting baby in the swing to sleep, etc. BUT … one thing I did learn from the book that helps so much is developing a routine early on. The pattern to follow is this: Feed time, Wake time, Sleep time, Feed time, Wake time, Sleep time over and over until you put them to sleep at night. The goal is that you’re getting them to sleep without feeding them to sleep and their body is developing a pattern that will induce sleeping through the night. I have friends who follow this book and swear by it. I follow it too…the feed, wake, sleep pattern, I just don’t let my newborns “cry it out.” When it’s time to get them to sleep I hold them, bounce them, rock them, put them in the swing, etc. Then when they’re 3-4 months old I let them cry if needed.
My favorite books are “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child” by Marc Weissbluth and “Sleeping Through the Night” by Jodi A. Mindell. If you are going to buy a book to help you these are both great. I learned so much from these books. “Healthy Sleep Habits” covers everything and I have turned to it time and time again. “Sleeping Through the Night” is a great book to give you a step by step sleep training plan. If you have an older baby or toddler with bad sleep habits it’s not too late to get them on track, but there will be more crying involved. “Sleeping Through The Night” is a great book I’d recommend for this. It offers practical tips on bedtime – rather than middle of the night training. It also gives other tips for problems with toddlers. We followed what it said to do when Ellie started climbing out of her crib and the solution worked great.
If you have a newborn or are about to have a baby, start all of this early. At night, don’t pick them up the second they start fussing. A lot of times babies fuss for a minute and then put themselves back to sleep. If the fuss turns into a hungry cry, feed them…just wait a minute and see what they do first. Put them in their crib to sleep without sleep aids (pacifiers are great except then when they fall out your baby can’t put it back in…you want your baby to learn to fall asleep on his own).
With Kole, because I knew what I was doing, I started putting him to sleep in his crib at night about five days after I brought him home from the hospital. I have a rocking chair and changing table in his room so I’d feed him and change him in there. At about two months, I started putting him in his crib to nap whenever we were home (being the youngest of three, he obviously has to nap on the go a lot too). Sometimes I’d give him his pacifier, but if it fell out, I’d let him fuss a little to see if he would put himself to sleep. He would cry for a minute or two and then start sucking on his fingers and fall asleep. Because I was timing it right and consistently putting him in his crib to nap he picked up quickly what I expected him to do in his crib. He is such a good sleeper and I never even had to let him cry much. He’s almost four months old, goes to sleep on his own around 7:00 pm, I wake him and feed him at 11:00 pm (right before I go to bed) and then he sleeps until 5:00 or 6:30ish am. If he wakes up at 5:00 I feed him and put him back to bed for another hour or so. If he wakes up at 6:30 we are up for the day. (I like my kids to go to bed early and get up early because I need down time in the evening and I’m a morning person but you can obviously adjust their schedule to whatever works for you and your family).
A word on “crying it out.” I know. It’s not fun to listen to your baby cry. A mother’s instinct is to always comfort her baby. BUT you have to look at it as helping your baby get the sleep she needs. I went through 2 hard nights with Ellie and 4-5 hard afternoons listening to a little crying. That was it. Once it’s done, it’s done and she has been a great sleeper ever since. With Addison it was easier because I knew it was so worth it. She cried for around 20 minutes for 4-5 nights at four months old and then learned to suck her thumb and was a great sleeper after that.
(Addison – 4 months old)
With Kole, because I started it so early, he has hardly cried…maybe a little fussing for a minute or two and he’s asleep. Stick with it! I promise no long term damage is done! My kids have no recollection of crying a few nights in their crib and it was WAY harder on me than it was on them.
Oh…one other tip. All of my kids have liked to snuggle their faces in the side of their crib when learning to put themselves to sleep so I set them in the corner of their crib at bed time. This was Kole asleep during his nap this afternoon…
Good sleep habits are so important. Children need their sleep in order to be happy and healthy.
And moms need their sleep in order to survive the day with those happy, healthy children!
(Ellie – 8 months old)
{…and we all got a good nights sleep and lived happily ever after… the end!}
okay, erin…thank you!!!!! i am going to bookmark this post and read it again and again. ginger, my 13 month old is the WORST sleeper- and it is really really really hard right now. i JUST got her to sleep (at almost midnight) and that’s not unusual. she is taking zero naps during the day, and it’s really hard on me and the whole family!
i have a really hard time letting her cry, and she is still nursing all.the.time, so that’s a big issue. for the first year of her life, i slept sitting up with her nursing on my lap in the boppy (oh yes i did)- and now that’s the only way she wants to sleep…attached, nursing, and with me sitting up.
it is not working for me anymore! (honestly, it stopped working for me when she was about 5 days old!)
so, now i have the task of getting her to sleep on her own, and she is not having it. not at all.
urgh.
okay, i am going to re-read your post a few more times and buy those books…wish me luck!
-erika
Erika – I follow your blog too! I will pray that Ginger catches on quick! It’s worth it, I promise!
I would say that is pretty good advice. I, personally, wasn’t a big reader on tip books on how to raise your kids, but I just followed my gut, and boy was that hard! :o) After the initial 3-3 1/2 months, I’d make sure my babies had a clean diaper, food in their tummies, and then it was off to bed. Alone. The first 1-2 days are the roughest, but if you can manage to get through them the following days will be SO. MUCH. EASIER! Adults don’t give little babies enough credit. They are smart, and they too know how to “manipulate” (don’t take me too literal on that word I used) their parents to get what they want.
I bawled like a baby doing this with my first and from there on out with my following 2 I knew it was a process that worked.
Love from Kansas,
Amber
I have followed your blog for a while and I am a bad commenter but I have to tell you… This is EXACTLY what I did with my daughter and at 20 months old she still takes a 3-4 hour nap and sleeps 12-14 hours per night. People thought I was crazy that I let her cry when she woke up during her nap but I knew that when she was done napping, she would wake up happy. I understand that it may not work for everyone but it SO worked for us and I would recommend this method to anyone with a baby! Thank you for sharing this, I hope it can help a sleepy new mommy! :)
My kids are 8 and 12. They have never been great sleepers. My oldest started sleeping in his own bed consistently at around age 9 or 10. Eek! My youngest still sleeps in weird places and hates to sleep in bed.
I was very opposed to “cry it out.” Even reading this post made me feel a little *ouch* inside about crying it out.
BUT, obviously it works. Your kids are sleeping in bed, no issues, and I still have big boys crawling into bed with me and having bedtime issues a decade later. I really wish I had done this, and if I am blessed with any more kids I will try to put my own issues aside and get this done.
Oh Erin! You are wise. amen and amen. Now prepare yourself for a landslide of comments. This is a touchy issue. But no matter what? You are right.
and that folks…is why she is “SUNNY SIDE UP!’ (or a big part of the reason0
I have 3 children (ages 14-2) and I would say what you wrote out is exactly what I did. I try not to preach to much, but I swear by the sleep eat play routine-I think that is key. I have to say, I’m very hesitant to share what has worked with me because people hear the words “cry it out” and they automatically tune you out. Of course, these are the same people that go on and on about what a bad sleeper they have. So I just bite my tongue and rejoice in the fact that my baby and I were well rested.
Amen to this post. I did the same “boot camp” with both my babies and is absolutely works. I also agree that there has been no psychological damage done to either of them. They are just happy, well rested kids.
Amen to everything you said! I am LOVING the pic of Kole just waking up! OH what a sweetie pie!!!
OH MY GOSH! I think you may have just solved a major issue in our house! :) We have an 18 month old who wakes up at night and eventually finishes his night off with us (something I said I would NEVER do!!!) because I can’t handle the screaming/crying :( . I plan to read that book to help with this….
also, we are due in Sept. with a girl and I will read both books and plan to start her off ‘right’ so that we don’t end up having these issues when she is 18 months… YAY!!!
I have friends who swear by Baby Wise too…I just don’t agree with all of it and know about routine so I’ll just skip that one! ;)
Thank you SO much! I think you just changed our marriage! :) hee hee.
Doesn’t it make you extremely nervous when they sleep with their faces pushed into the bumper? That was the only thing that made me nervous when the boy was a baby.
I am not in this stage of life right now but can say that getting a good night’s sleep is invaluable to all of us at any age. As I do assessments each day, not sleeping is key to other challenges that arise and clients are dealing with – and agree a healthy well rested mom is so important. Thank you for sharing so much. I am watching for your steps on organizing … seriously need help in my home office area!
I too LOVE the book “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child” it was a gift when I had the twins and we have great little sleepers. I am such a fan of sticking to a routine (I just did a blog post about our routine) and I think the kids do so much better, which in turn, makes us Mom’s happier too! Thanks for sharing.
So true, all of it. I learned after my first too that they survive the crying it out and sleep is so much better for everyone. I think it just becomes more natural with each one too- I really never had to “train” Emery because you just are already doing the steps. It makes life so much better when you aren’t a zombie all the time.
Hi, Erin! I love your blog!! I just wanted to throw in my two cents… I’m pregnant with my 7th child. We’ve never let our babies cry it out. Eventually, these babies grow up and are content, secure little sleepers. I get LOTS of sleep. Babies and parents are all different, and I just wanted to put out a different perspective. I know that “co-sleeping” is not for everyone. It works for us. I like Dr. Sears’ books. Follow your motherly instincts. They are there for a reason. Blessings to all you beautiful moms!
Thanks for sharing. It will be so helpful if we get to go through it again. I didn’t figure a lot of this out until child 3 and that was only because I had two other boys to take care of on my way to get the crying baby in the crib. He was usually back asleep before I could reach him. I was amazed that he would sleep another hour. I would love to start over and do it right. Oh well… we all survived.
Thank you! I have an 8-month-old who has not slept well since birth. He’s only been getting about 6 hours at night, and will take a few 20 minute naps during the day. I have been nursing him to sleep, would tiptoe him to bed, go get him after he started screaming 20 minutes later, and nurse him some more. Sometimes he’d go back to sleep for a little longer, but more often then not he wouldn’t.
He’s been so cranky and I just couldn’t understand why I had such a fussy, cranky baby after the first two were such happy babies.
I read your post and it was a big, “duh!” moment for me. He’s not sleeping. THAT’S why he’s cranky! I felt so guilty letting him cry it out, but your post helped me feel like it would be good for BOTH him and I if I did. Today I didn’t nurse him to sleep for both of his naps and after 5 minutes of screaming he fell asleep on his own… and stayed asleep for 2 hours. He woke up happy for the first time EVER! I can stick with this!
Thank you! Thank you!
(I’m not a creepy stalker… I’m a friend of your cousin Amber’s from high school. I came across your blog awhile ago and love it. Hope it’s okay if I read!)
Very good young lady. :) I’m right there with ya. You know I LOVE Babywise but I couldn’t start it with my newborn either.
I can’t stress enough how important it is to have your babies/kids on a schedule. I know so many people who let the kids determine when they go to sleep and it’s awful. It’s amazing the difference between those kids and sleep scheduled kids. I’m adamant about it!
You’re such a great mom by the way! :)
Your post inspired me… not on the sleeping- I have a 20 month old son who is a great slepper, but on the teaching part. This is my 6th year to teach 5th grade and my last year. I put my husband through Engineering school at the University of Arkansas and after this year, I get to stay home! He actually graduated last year, but we just decided to make the change. Thanks for the encouragement that teaching is not forever and that someone else has survived! : )
I agree with everything in your post. I want to mention again that having your husband on board is key. I had to look to my husband for support since it was so hard. I appreciated him being strong to get us through that time but it was so worth it!
BABYWISE worked for all 3 of mine. Tried and true! Loved it. ALl you need to read is the 1st chapter. It makes so much sense.
Totally agree with you!! Keep the baby advice coming because I need these reminders :) I need to re-read that letter you wrote to yourself just before Kole was born. You touched on everything I go thru after having a baby :)
okay, I don’t know how you post so much. I can’t think that much to say, but then no one would read mine. You are a smart girl and a great mom. Love your cute family.
Great Post! So true about schedules…all of your info was very helpful…love your blog! Just one comment on the bumper pads…i had read/heard from various people/my ped that if a baby gets stuck up against a crib bumper it can increase the risk of SIDS due to not getting enough air flow sometimes they could suffocate from “stale air” just thought i’d share that…it always made me so nervous! thanks for the post!
Hi Erin, Love this post, I am not a mommy but I am a Daycare Provider and have used the cryitout method with all the infants I have cared for and IT WORKS, it is tough, I hate to hear a baby cry however when all their needs are met its time for NAP. I am up and down the hallway to all the different bedrooms for about an hour in the beginning now all I do is lay them down rub their backs a little give them their blankets or binkies and say sweet dreams there are the occasional crying wakeups but there is usually an issue like a dirty diaper but then its right back to sleep and you are right a baby who has slept enough will wake up HAPPY I have had only one exception to this I had a baby who had of all things a BROKEN COLLAR BONE and the parents didnt find out about it until she was about 6 months old. Thanks for all the info I have referred several of my parents to your blog.
Thank you so much Erin! Fabulous advice.
I am Kathleen Allen’s sister. I loved this post..I LOVE Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy child. ALL of my kids have turned into great sleepers because I followed the advice in that book. I totally believe that a baby who sleeps well and is on a schedule is a happy baby.
That is until my #5 who is now 3 months old. He is a terrible sleeper! He was 7 weeks early and has HORRIBLE reflux and if I let him cry it out the reflux gets much worse. It is driving me crazy because usually at this point I am getting decent sleep and some good naps from my babies. Well this time not so much…ah well…this too shall pass right!
I absolutely LOVE healthy sleep habits, healthy child. It was the best baby gift I received!!!
Great post, I’m sure it will help a lot of moms. I’m a big BabyWise fan. So much so, I am now reading ChildWise – years 3-7. I don’t know why people think the routine is so rigid. The book clearly outlines a “flexible” routine which by definition is not rigid. It worked for me as I’m a planner and Type A personality – but I agree with you you gotta do what works and sleep for mom and baby is key! :)
I loved this post! I love reading on how other mommies do things.
I am the exact opposite, I must admit. All of my little ones have slept with me, attached to the breast, always needed me to fall asleep, etc. I don’t mind. I know this is just a season in my life and theirs. I am not one who needs a lot of sleep. I don’t have to wake in the morning to go to work. I think if either of those were something that I needed, I would have definitely trained my little ones to sleep on their own from an early age.
I have one “baby” right now (she just turned two) who still needs me to lie next to her to fall asleep. All of mine have been that way, and they all sleep very well as preschoolers, preteens, teens and young adults — through the night, in their own beds…
I don’t do what Baby Wise suggests, or any of the other sleep training books, but yet we still have happy and healthy children, which just proves that there is no right or wrong way — just what works for you and your baby.
Again, loved this post!
By the way, Kole’s smile as he is looking up in the crib? The cutest ever! OMGosh he’s just such a cutie pie!!
I don’t know you, and was sent this post by a friend when I complained about my baby’s recent turn toward being a terrible sleeper.
I am familiar with these methods and am convinced this is the route for us (we’ve been trying something else that just isn’t working). I’m going to pick up a few new books today. :)
Thank you for this simplified and realistic experience with these methods! I know there are lots of sympathetic moms and dads out there trying to get their babies to sleep and I really appreciated reading about your experience.
Erin
I am so glad I found your blog. I needed to see this post. We have a high needs baby after having two very easy ones. We followed this last night, and although he didn’t sleep well… He put himself to sleep!
Where, oh where was this post while I was STRUGGLING with my boys . . . ? I’m sure this will be of great help to new mommies everywhere! Just hope they find it in time!!!!
I found your blog a few weeks ago and loved it for your Fashion Fridays and organization, but this seals the deal. We’ve been dealing with our 9 month old not sleeping through the night and I have been going back and forth on what to do and this post popped up at the perfect time. I’m going to try your tips starting tomorrow night. Thanks for sharing!
Hi there Erin, I am a new reader to your blog and so loving all you have to say – and seeing pics of your amazing house and gorgeous children. Your take in this post is a very interesting read and great to hear what worked for you and your family. We all have to do what works best for our family. Like one of the commenters above though I too can recommend Dr Sears and his parenting books. My babies slept with us for the first year and we all had enough sleep and loved having them with us. At around 1 all 3 of mine transitioned to their own beds but are still always welcome in our bed. No crying it out in this household and yet we still got enough sleep. I would just like to draw attention to this article:
http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/crying-dangerous-kids-one-expert-says-222400379.html
All the best
Jessica
Firstly thankyou for your complete honesty about how hard it was for you. It is not easy being a mum sometimes, torn between needing time out, wanting bub to sleep and sometimes taking the easy way out just so we too can get some rest. My little now 9.5 month old was sleeping so badly, waking 3-4 times a night and not going to sleep when I put him in his cot etc etc. A few of my friends recommended Tizzie Hall’s book. I read that and it certainly helped with him napping properly during the day and him going to bed pretty much without fail before 6pm, but he was still waking at about 2am. Where we live is SUPER quiet and I thought perhaps he was waking and wondering where everyone had gone as there is no outside traffic noise or outside lights coming through so I put a clock in his bedroom so when he woke he could hear the tick tock tick tock of the clock. Wow what a difference!! I now get a minimum of 7 hours straight sleep from him, and I get sleep too.
Thanks for your post, you have a new followe here :)
Thanks Claire! I’m so happy to hear your little one is sleeping better now! It makes all the difference.
Hi Erin,
My name is Melanie and I’m from Quebec, Canada. I stop on your blog for the first time tonight because of Jen Jones’s post. I spent (really…) 4h surfing around everything in here. I’m doing the PL too for my first child Victor. I have some problem to get him nap properly and go to sleep alone. I shared your tips with my husband and we began tonight!
Thanks a lot,
Mel
I am so glad I ran across your blog! I LOVE it! I started the sleep training right away with my 6 month old daughter, and she is doing awesome. Lastnight when she woke up in the middle of the night she purr herself back to sleep with in 10 minutes and slept the rest of the night! We are all so much more happier!
Thanks again, Amanda
Hi Mel and Amanda!
I’m so glad to hear this post was helpful! Yea for sleeping babies!! It really does make all the difference. Thanks for your sweet comments!
I have been following your blog for a while now but just read this older post tonight. I have 5 kids and have done the same thing with all 5- and it works like a charm! All 5 of my kids are amazing night time sleepers and nappers. Anyone else who might be reading… it works!!!
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just came across this post, since i’m a new follower. i am having this issue now, but our son is still swaddled to sleep, so we don’t have the sucking-hands option. tips?
Hi Erin, thank you for sharing this. My 4-month-old baby is sleeping through the night now. She went to bed around 6:30pm, woke up and cried for 5 Mims or so, then fell back to sleep until 10:30pm for the last feed. It has been like this for the past 2 weeks. Any ideas?
And where did you get your boy Kolbe the bumper? The white and…blue bumper.
sorry, I meat, she would wake up and cry around 8pm…
Hi Maria! How old is your son? I don’t do the cry it out method until 3-4 months old and by then I am done swaddling. It might be that you want to wait until your little one is a bit bigger and not swaddled anymore before you try it because babies typically move around to put themselves to sleep.
Hi Karen! Sometimes babies wake up in a pattern like that. I would let her fuss/cry for a bit before you pick her up. If she really starts screaming, go pick her up and rock her a bit but don’t feed her. Keep it short. If it continues, you may want to ask your pediatrician about it to make sure it isn’t something like an ear infection or something that is keeping her up. Let me know how it goes!
Hi Erin!
I realize this post is pretty old, but it’s such a great post for new parents.
I have two girls (a 2 yr old, and a 9 month old) and my story is so similar to yours. I used the same methods you used to get your baby’s to sleep. And it really makes for happier baby’s and a happier (dare I say, better) mom! Anyway, this is so well written, I just had to post something, from one mom to another! I really enjoy reading your blog :)
~Renée
Thank you so much Renee! xx